Nightmares

Never mind karma. Never mind good or evil or measuring it with a large teaspoon to decide the next course of your life. I have come to an undisputed conclusion that god loves fucking with me personally. Shit can only pile so high before it turns into a landslide. All I wanted to do was to make my film in peace and I couldn't even get that. Now I've got all these religious, happy people on Facebook telling me to keep my chin up, fight on and have faith in god. Whatever, you idiots. If you think I don't know how to fight off the worst, I do. It's just that I REALLY wanted to celebrate my birthday happily and rejoice in the splendour of having earned my rest, but no.

On the eve of my birthday, we wrapped up shoot. A couple of hours later, my producer calls to tell me no one could find the hard drives. Two of our hard drives - original and back up - with all our footage and sound, had been lost in god knows suburbia, who knows, forever. By Monday morning, my producer called again to say that the plastic bag and box containing the hard drives was found near our location. The hard drives were nowhere to be found. I was devastated, to say the least. Never mind how they got lost, the point was they needed to be found. I wasn't interested in a blame game.

That's the insane thing about doing film. It will test your limits to no end and generously do so. You can lose your mind on the cutting room floor and those are just the regular work hazards. After weeks of hard work and bliss I was suddenly fronted with the awful awful thought that I was never going to see my film turn into a film after two years of painstaking work, thousands of dollars and gallons of blood, sweat, tears and goodwill. NOT COOL. What could have caused this? I'm a nice girl, I've been sober for weeks; I work extremely hard, I try my best to do good and to not do evil onto others and this happened??!! I've been nice and god not only puts a coal in my stocking, he fucking sets it on fire.

The main crew put up ads in the Ipswich newspaper, radio and posted fliers all around town. Then last night my producer got word that the son of some lady who had seen the ad in the newspaper, was walking home from a party the other night and kicked said hard drive by accident. Kicked, omg. I thought my head was going to explode with relief and happiness. The weird thing was despite the broken case, the cables were all intact, as were the continuity sheets. We have all our footage back and we're backing it up onto every possible hard drive. The original hard drive is a little worse for wear as the casing's come off, it looks like it's been run over.

Seriously, after working my ass off, I'm angry. My producer told me that there was something to be learned, well isn't there always? Isn't there always some pot of gold at the end of the fucking rainbow? Well great. Thank you Mr God for setting me straight, not. I didn't ask for it. I thought I had enough life lessons to last me at least till this point save for one - it doesn't matter how much good you do, something's gonna find a way to kick you down. I am thankful that the hard drive came back but I feel like god has tested me so many times recently I just can't find it in me to take this well. I've done it so many times before. What the fuck do I care about some lesson learned, it was really really tiring to have to go through all that! I can usually look back at the shit I went through with good humour but this time round, it was very much unappreciated that I had to be sent into such arrest. I have the right to be angry. It was a bad day to end all bad days, birthdays even, and my boyfriend even thought it would be a great idea to pick a fight with me that night. Huzzah!!

I resent the notion that I'm not allowed to talk smack about god. I am so tired of having to be positive and having people tell me to keep my chin up, because I'm a fighter and I DON'T need this crap when I'm just trying to get on with my life. Messing with me is one thing, mess with my work and I'm gonna have my claws out. It's not fair that I've to be afraid of a vengeful god all the time and cower in the fear of being manipulated by his magical hand. Yeah, hazards in this line of work happen all the time but I am not amused. In fact, I am very upset. Do you have any idea what it's like to have all this photographic evidence and behind the scenes footage of a film that doesn't exist? It was the most gut wrenching feeling, especially since I was so attached to the script. GAH.

God can be cruel, playing an awful awful joke on me like that and I'm supposed to just take it because if I talk smack to god, I'm going to be struck by lightning some more. Geez. What a bully. I'm tired. I'm going to start on post production with my baby. I'm not letting it out of my sights again. What a hoo-ha. I don't know if my heart can deal with more stuff like this any longer. *sigh. And I'm irritated knowing that he'll come around again to mess with me. It's inevitable. Or maybe it wasn't god but sheer carelessness, even if it wasn't really on my part. I don't know why I'm trying so hard to find someone to blame, this just got so ridiculous. Still... May's a birthday month. I wish mine didn't get so hellish cos I was really looking forward to turning 22. It was pretty much the worst personal thing that could happen to me on the least expecting of days. Now I'm just going to watch all the other May babies celebrate happily knowing I didn't get my party. *sigh. At least my film's safe.