3 posts tagged “dreams”

Whenever I've wanted anything bad enough, I've almost always gotten it. Later when I didn't, it made me stronger for it. I over-thought shooting this short and now I'm about to do it. Last week I was a ball of nerves till I went out one night. I was completely freaking out already before getting drunkenly harassed hassled by an overzealous Frenchman to let him direct my script after it leaked. He really scared me at the time but I knew that all I needed was to get all the fear out before I could do it. Still, things happen for a reason and if I didn't go to karaoke that night, Sid the amazing bus driver wouldn't have given me the courage in saying "honey, if it were easy, anyone could have done it. You have to do this." Addamski sent me a text telling me not to drink so I stopped after my third glass. For the rest of the night, Sid pointed and laughed with me every time the French guy fell over, danced or tipped something over, drunk. Old men are marvelous. But don't get me wrong, French guy's still good in my books. If it wasn't for him I wouldn't have realised that nothing's going to stop me now. I can't think of a thing that could stop me from accomplishing anything I wanted. Except maybe babies. Babies, eww.

I'm pretty sure now that I'll be producing this project myself. I've to raise at least $5k and shoot by this first week of April. Can do? Yeah. It's not like it's never been done before. If anyone has any ideas or wants to chip in? Seriously, I would so appreciate it. I've never done this before on such a large scale but I know I can. Sometimes it reminds me of this...

I lived in Kuala Lumpur from when I was 2-4 years old. My parents taught me to ride a bike then and it wasn't till we moved back to Kota Kinabalu that I ripped my training wheels off myself. I kept falling and getting back up again but once I got the hang of it, I was doing circles on the street in front of my house. My parents were gardening in the distance. It was just a green cherry tree, an abandoned, rusted car and I riding endless circles. It must have been 11am when I looked up to the sky and stopped... I swore for a moment that a giant circle of morning blue sky had broken to let me see the night sky, the universe, beyond it. It was a vision to see, just for me. Stars in the daytime amidst tufts of morning clouds, hovering over other people who weren't me, as they lived their mundane lives. No one could see it but me.

Now I think that's what dreams are made from. It's not in the moment where you close your eyes, it's when you have them wide open that they are realised. Now I wouldn't call it a dream. I'm doing what I love, wide awake. I do hope all goes well and that I don't let myself down. I hope things are swell for you too on your side. I've got a lot of luck on my side right now. Just felt like sharing. Hahah. I'm such a sop. Eurgh. Whatvr. Listen to some 'Bliss', or Henrik Jose.

Remember how it felt.

I hate texting people but now I'm also starting to resent calling people because it's such a rare occurrence for people to answer their cellphones or to not be busy. Perhaps it's combined with the conditioning of people not wanting to take my calls. Not that those people are important to me anymore. Right now, it's funny. It's like I'm in this funky place in life where sincerity is so scarce. I'm laughing again because I'm angry, disappointed and laughing is going to make it go away, if not my concerns over these petty matters will.

It's a dark place to be when you don't believe in love or relationships anymore. Not that I really don't, it's just that I've been conditioned. It's not about finding someone, the right person will come along soon blah blah whatever, it's the emotional/mental blockage that I'm at now that is so interesting because conditioning is evidence of the very real distinction between the conscious and subconscious; that subconsciously I really feel like every guy just wants to get into my pants and kick my dignity to the floor but on the other hand, I know that men are capable of love and sincerity too. Another aspect of this funk I'm going through now is with vomited philosophies and ideas. People need to be larger representatives of their philosophies rather than being geeks who cite Nietzche over coffee and biscotti and then let their words evaporate into thin air. Philosophy is the narrative of life that needs to be acted upon more than spoken. It is inert; it's ideas that so easily build on the ideas that you already have so are they really new? No. Just updated so what's the hype? And we think that we learn so many new things from conversations but they're just updates of things that we previously know and it's directs you to a collective consciousness that's been building up either since two days ago to an infinity before you were even born. So why aren't people more casual about these subject matters instead of trying so hard a la 'Waking Life' or Woody Allen?

I guess I've come to the point where talking about these things doesn't stimulate me as much as it does seeing it manifested in a real person or as suggested ideas through an art form or metaphor instead of whoring yourself out and going "this is what I think - blah". You have to flirt a little with what you know, not just "omg are dreams more real than life or is it all perception?" Elude this adolescent Kafkaesque bullshit. What's the point of studying Camus to death if you're just going to die anyway? Do you see the irony here? Why turn philosophy into a textbook and continue to suck on the teat of publishers without any evidence of being someone who lives these philosophies naturally? Rather than knowing them and living your life citing an idea that you could have developed yourself in time, what about outrightly just being them here and now? That is real, that requires no reincarnation, no dreaming state, it is knowledge in real time which is as altruistic as it gets.

I'm fed up of college kids harping about this crap, beer in hand, oh look what I learned in class; coffee drinking, wireless mooching, oh guess what I heard during an art show. Blah. Blah. Blah. Blah. I'm so jaded. I want to turn the page. I want to talk to someone I want to talk to, on the phone, I don't care if I'm busy, I want someone to interfere with my life and drop everything because they feel I am more important than whatever I'm doing. I want someone to want to span and close the space that separates us. Why do so few people want that? What is this fear over answering the phone or calling people like it lowers you to respond to another human being? There's such a deficiency of truth and breathing emotion in people. It's insecurity. What is the point of collective consciousness when everyone's afraid of not talking out loud because the next person might think that they're crazy? Or maybe they're not aware of the potential of collective consciousness. Fucking zeitgeist, man. We're all made out of the same components, how far apart could we be from the next person? Insecurity stems from the fact that we cannot read each other's minds when somehow we're all roughly capable of having the same ideas as the next person which is why we say "yeah, I know" more than "gee, I never thought of it that way before." Then that's why people lie. We don't want people to read our minds because we have something to hide. We have hidden intentions and we hide ourselves because we lack confidence in bringing our desires to reality so we create fantasy. We hinder our true selves, true desires and bullshit around to get what we want through illicit means. Why? Because it makes things more interesting or is it really just fear that makes us beat around the bush? I throw my hands up in the air to this.

Maybe we should just stop pretending we're all doing something more important and pick up the phone when it's ringing. Span and close that space that separates us.

I dreamt that in front of a familiar audience, I was made to lie down on a masseurs'  table while my aunt convinced me to act as a volunteer for a demonstration, for a healer she was recommending everyone. I shut my eyes. I could feel his hands drift up and down my body while incense burned in the background. He was putting me into a deep sleep. I was surprised by the utter calm and blackness of everything. I had no thoughts, no worries and I awoke into another series of dreams different to that which I usually have. Everything more collected, snippets of random things like I always have but slower, more composed and willing to tell a story rather than rushing to finish before my conscious self awakes. I have my suspicions that I hypnotised myself in my sleep.

I dreamt of escalators, button mashing with instructions on my 'screen' so I could slide across the floors on my knees in real life. Bad TV advertisements where police saved abused animals and pulled tiny kittens from glove compartments. I walked past sleazy men who offered to give me their numbers. Through and over a pedestrian crossing, dorms and hotel rooms filled with people wanting to wash their white bedsheets. Hallways were cluttered with steam, people slipping on detergent spilled onto the red carpeted ground.

I dreamt I rested my chin atop of a friend's head. Someone who I can no longer speak to. It's the closest I will ever get to saying I'm sorry and at least we talk here. That's as far as I'm willing to go. I got a reply to a letter that I've long been waiting for but the waking world showed otherwise.

The only people approaching me are strangers from home and the faces I've known have long said goodbye. I think you start to get old when you encounter situations where some acquaintances should be forgotten, even the closer ones. Today is a rare occasion where it feels like dreams are all I have but it's okay. It's Sunday.