4 posts tagged “kk”
I've been trying to update my blog for the last month but partying and work has gotten in the way. Even now, this is going to be such a rushed post because I'm about to have dinner with my colleagues and my 'boss' is cooking. I'm back in Brisbane now but KK was a blast, I could hardly leave! I'm currently struggling with my personal goals a little bit but it's nothing to worry too much about. Actually, I don't worry as much as I used to anymore and I've learned to be happier about my circumstances. I keep telling people that I'd be happier after university and no one believed me. HAH! I'm happy nowww...
It's not as well thought out as I hoped for the first post in a while. Yes, I do take these things into account, which is why I don't post too often. I don't have internet at the house I'm at currently. I'm in the process of straightening out my life all over again. I'm busy working, scriptwriting mostly, and I might direct another music video soon. Life's a bundle of errands now and I'm in the process of turning into a social smoker, which is going well. My parents suggested it and I'm taking it on. Who needs it anyway?
So for my last few months in Australia, I'm trying to figure out for sure what I want to do. It's the final push till my graduation ceremony at the end of March, which is unfortunately on the same day as The Who live in concert!!! What a bitch. At least I'm going to Mogwai and Future Sounds Music Festival where N*E*R*D*, CSS, Basement Jaxx, Paul Oakenfold et al. will be playing. Be jealous. Be very very jealous. Muahah.
I apologise for my rant about teachers. It's prejudice and uncalled for for me to extend my trauma onto other people who have not shared the same experiences. Different people go through different things. But it's all out on the internet now. Even though I've deleted the post, I know that it will still be out there somewhere. Most bloggers and internet users don't realise the repercussions; that whatever you post on the internet becomes permanent, be it photos or blogs. With my grades, it was unfair but I got what I wanted. I'll be graduating in March. It's still a phenomenon to me as to why teachers dislike me so much. Mmphh... like geese. I've been attacked by birds four times this year; twice by magpies and another two times by geese and probably for the same reason that teachers want to attack me: I subconsciously get in their space without realising. Durrh.
Speaking of blog posts that never disappear, a couple of cousins haven't forgotten a post I made a few years ago on religion. I figured they're still mad at me. Mum says no one complains about me anymore because she jokes that I'm a "gone case" (thank god)... but for a gone case I sure get a lot of love. Heehee. I've been reading back to my old livejournal blog. Would it be narcissistic to compile a best of?
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| Awkward spaces: | [18 Jul 2007|01:45am] |
 All of a sudden the ceiling just got a little too low. The sun continues to blaze my eyes even when the world's got me tucked away beyond its reach. It's like witnessing yourself being dead. Like chroming indifference, like the opposite of inhaling cigars, like holding a pulsating vein between your thumb and the wrong finger. It's called conscious insomnia, a symptom of the restless and rebellious. (It keeps my feet cold at night) | |
I wish I knew what to do with my writing but shooting keeps me so preoccupied nowadays. I'm back in KK and things are working out to be very very interesting. I like when people doubt me but the right people have faith in me. I can't wait to start working on Dream Cradle. Woot! Being back in Sabah has a hype that probably isn't going to last for too long but I'm still a Taurus after all and I like having the stability so I can start climbing career ladders instead of constantly having to start over again in different countries. I like it here. Stories happen.
I disappear when I'm on shoots and this one was a marathon. Art department for a 1940's wartime England film; my arms have turned into 'guns' from all the lifting and after a while, arranging objects would subject me to obsession. I wonder how I haven't tipped over into neurosis at this point. My part of the production is over but people are going to be calling me soon to arrange the return of props and my nerves are going to be shot again for fear of having lost or ruined anything. *gleep*
At some point during the shoot, I'd met the director's mother. I'd been wanting to meet her for a while because the director told me that she did colour therapy, which sounded absolutely beautiful and the thought had been stuck in my head since that conversation we had more than a year ago. I spoke to him about coincidences and he suggested that it was because my energy was really in tune with the world. I can see some truth in that. Meeting his mother was a thrill because she knew what I was talking about with my coincidences and how I constantly read people according to their horoscopes.
At her home, she took out 90 little bottles of perfumed, coloured oils. Some where dual coloured, others, whole. I was disappointed because all this while I'd imagined them in vials but they were peaceful nonetheless, in their appearance and I couldn't help but cradle them in every hold. I have a fondness for purples and oranges; I don't remember what I selected but the ones that I did, she told me, were all signs of trauma and that I had been through a very difficult period in my life, which I hate to admit but these last few months have tested me so hard, I think a part of me was lost and is never going to come back. It was really cheesy but the last vial I chose was blood red and she said that it was a sign of new beginnings. I like new beginnings. I'm not even overzealous anymore about graduating, it's just another thing for me to do. I'm challenged so often that another challenge in my life is so natural, I don't even blink anymore. Not to say that I enjoy it any less but my life has come to fruition and become the intense adventure I've always pictured it to be.
I had another one of those conversations (conversations with older men, those conversations of mine) with this 37 year old guy, after the opening for Sex Space. It was on a veranda and he was cooing about how intelligent, special and mature I was, how if he was younger, he would do anything just for me to be the only woman in his life... that has to be at least the fourth time I've heard that from an older man. Again, coincidences. I've the same birthday as his father and the last time he was on that veranda he met his first girlfriend and swore she was Malaysian (if this even counts). I wasn't that phased by this but it was a great chat and I was just glad I got to cockblock some guy I wasn't interested in for hours so that worked out. Maybe it's not coincidences, maybe it's just my life working out. Maybe I just make up patterns in my head, maybe 'Ken Park' just happened to fall into my hands as soon as I cut things off with this guy who's been wanting me to watch it for ages.
I'm pretty sure I sound different now than I used to but I'm alright. I feel more in sync with life than ever but almost to a point that's too close for comfort. All my desires have absolved to either memory or duty or maybe it's just today's overcast. Either way, I'm contented. I like how it's raining in Brisbane as well as in KK.
I don't know how people do it. The thought of it makes me ill inside. How do people bear relationships that are too successful and long? How do you not exhaust one another by knowing (gnawing) each other inside out till there is no more marrow? After a while it turns into a consuming beast; greedy and ravenous. Yet conflict, drama, coming back and forth fuels passion. It stirs, boils the blood allowing oxygen to flow through your veins consistently. This constant renewal keeps love alive and youthful because heaven is a destination which quickly turns into complacence and human beings are not designed to stop. Satisfaction and the search for it is like a shark, that if it stops swimming it dies from a lack of oxygen and drowns to death in its atmosphere. From what I've learnt from living in a turbulent family environment is argument and hate destroys. Yet, from my last and only relationship I learnt that too much peace and contentment can also destroy in a manner that is just as evil.
I am of the opinion that the way to a passionate love is knowing how to argue and come back because it is in our nature to love as much as it is to love hating. Hate, too, can be fueled into passion which is why sometimes rock star marriages work out. Note: Sharon and Ozzy Osbourne. Kurt Cobain dieded. Hate is bearable and vanquishable, much more than love, even. In theory there's so much you can benefit from if you turn hate into a kind of love. It's like exfoliating - you need some fiction to keep your skin glowing.
But what do I know. Apparently I treat men like accessories (I do not I'm just ruthless towards the weak and icky and I know I know it makes me suck and scares them off). But those days are over. Back to school and my final year of university and I am ECSTATIC beyond explanation. I'm getting so tired of living under someone else's accord for my own benefit.
KK was good. Got out just in time for the shit to hit the fan. People talk and KK echoes, I say. Then Adryz goes, "the rest of the world is nice but KK's better." I can't argue. KK is nice and I'll be honest. Jersey does suck.
