4 posts tagged “malaysia”

The screening went well albeit having a Q&A session in Malaysia once again proved nearly redundant. However, I got to size up the allies and competition - got my head straight and figured out more about how I'd go about surviving in the Malaysian industry. Can survive lah.

Had a bit of a scare today. I'm not really ready yet to throw myself out there yet. Not till I graduate, not till I'm actually producing more work which I feel is more representative of me. Someone said today that my short was gonna be shown at GSC at One Utama and I freaked out. It turned out to be a mistake but it made me think about publicity. I've always wanted to become well known for my achievements but I don't think I've ever weighed what that would truly entail. I've become more private as I've grown older and if I wanted to market myself, I'd know how to but now that this 'goal' is beginning to manifest, it's intimidating. It's intimidating but considering the field I'm in, it would defeat the purpose to make films as well as lay low. I mean I have the confidence, but not the ego to keep up with this kind of thing but I'm going to have to throw myself in someday. We're talking about me, the kid who at 3, kept throwing herself into the deep end of the pool to learn how to swim and would've died if the lifeguard didn't fish me out thrice. Fuck Scorsese. Fuck Tarantino. Fuck celebrity. A colossal ego must be soft to sleep on every night.

I'm glad I'm back in Malaysia now though. I'll be leaving again soon but it's always a challenge, as you grow older, unexpected things happen. For example, the growing familiarity of things. Maybe I'm too used to being where no one really knows me, that the growing familiarity of things turns into a suffocation of all things that represent you through your own culture and private history. Especially in the form of "do you remember that time in high school?" *shudder* It makes me too much for me to take.

I learn to say less nowadays. Blogging feels adolescent but only now are Malaysians going crazy over it and I'll be damned if we ever have anything interesting to say. As long as it doesn't condone talk without action (yeah right). After 7 years of blogging I've taken my brainwashing to the streets. Hell, I couldn't be bothered reading my own posts, can you? Now get out of here and go do something more interesting.

Four years of living abroad and soon I graduate. Soon I graduate and moving back to KK (even if temporarily) is all I can think about because I'm tired of not having a home. I love to travel but travelers have their homes and I'm borderline nomadic which is so not what I want to pursue. Of course, I'm grateful. A lot of people I know are griping about having not left their own countries, wanting to pursue something better and I keep telling people - the rest of the world isn't better. It's just the rest of the world. I've accumulated a lot of wisdom but never enough. The test of me surviving on home ground seems far more difficult. We're talking Kota Kinabalu here and I'm plagued by the fact that so many young people have to be torn between staying and pursuing better careers and lives elsewhere... like one day we grew up and realised Sabah wasn't good enough. Trust me to have a Peter Pan complex.

Maybe it's that we don't want it to ever turn into a metropolis so we don't stay to fix things. Even if we were the ones to build it to that we'd feel guilty but it's us or the politicians who do. People are so weak and silly sometimes. They don't realise that when there's nothing but raw, fertile soil, they can be the pioneers. As in, don't search for an industry, start one and you'll be legendary. Roger Wang's made a good start already. I just want to film us before we all lose our culture to the west, West Malaysia, Koreans, pilaks and Christians. Damn those missionaries are sprouting churches like mushrooms and I kid you not. I still attest to the emphasis of religion before education because how else are you going to comprehend religion? Tangent.

Okay, plans. Again with my big plans. Little girl, big plans. People say that they look at me and they see spark, talent, success. Nice to know but I get paranoid thinking that they're picturing me - red carpet, lots of moolah and doing a Michelle Yeoh. Hell no I'm selling my soul to fucking Spielberg. My definition of success is to capture our culture and people on film in order to remind us who we are. Culture is what counts, it is what makes us unique. It's what makes friends stronger, beer taste better, the days shine brighter and the coldest nights, warmer. Without it, we have no umbilical cord. And take it from someone who has somehow developed an American accent and can hardly speak Malay for shit. Adapting is surviving but preservation is fighting. It's paying your respects to what you love. And then people gripe about censorship... of course Malaysians are conservative when it comes to how we define ourselves, it's because they don't see enough variety, they don't see enough of what they do. We're living in the age of youtube and pirated editing software. We really don't have much excuse to fail. It's not a financially secure career but it's a worthy pursuit.

I watched Shawshank Redemption the other day. I could relate to Andy Dufresne, making do with unfortunate circumstances. My circumstances aren't terrible but I am at a disadvantage with what I want to do but I know I'll have the support of friends, family and people who love Sabah as much as I do. I'm trying to figure something out and last as long as I can and I'll tell you to mind tuttering at me. Pfft. I'm young. I might as well do something before my youthful optimism runs out. So long as some good comes out of my naivety, "youth is for revolution." Mine will not be wasted. What the hell do I know about what I'm up against but I'll find out and that's more than what most people have done so far.

We can't smoke inside the apartments and buildings so we smoke outside where there's a little stand called the Smokers' Oasis for us to put out our cigarettes. I love that name.

I missed the Malaysian election. The last time there was an election I would have been 17. The time before that, 13 so I must have been 9 when they put up all the posters and signboards in front of my house. I got angry at them for littering and put either Yong Teck Lee or Tun Mahathir's wooden signboard into the longkang (where I used to catch guppies with a net, so unhygienic) for pegging them all around my house.

I missed the election, raya for three years, birthdays, Valentines' Day, anniversaries, a funeral and someone would tell me that life goes on. Globalisation has thwarted us emotionally and I'm caught in the stream. I want to go back to Malaysia but I need to prove myself out there first.

Dad called me to tell me about the election. I'm SO proud of my parents for voting, for the fact that democracy in Malaysia has finally decided to reveal itself. People can be so cynical when it comes to the idea of a better world and I feel sorry for them for not seeing that they can make a difference no matter how big or small. My least favourite cliche is "children are the future." I hate hearing that, it drives me crazy. None of this 'carpe futura' bullshit please, thank you.

"Children are the future" is a poisonous cliche that bears no productive meaning. It means that authorities, politicians, teachers, adults and parents will be in charge of nurturing children and they can be far from perfect. They will be the ones to impart their values onto the young. We should not aim to be merely our parent's children. We shouldn't merely aim to be their future, taking their places and either doing what they did or being cynical when you feel you can't better things. Cynicism is admitting defeat and change determines future, not children. You don't procreate for a better government, you don't whip your wang out to solve global warming.

My new ethos is "youth is for revolution." Youth extends from those who have come of age to make a stand to those who have to retire as Mahathir has, reluctantly yet gracefully (that's what heart problems are for, I guess; to tell you to sit down and let someone else hold the reigns). Young people should be raised to make a difference, not just claim inheritances and be our parent's children because if we were than things would remain the same. There is a terminal difference between "yeah, you're going to make a difference, you're supposed to" as opposed to "look, you ARE responsible for the difference. Act now."

"Children are the future" is a given. It's not a strong statement, it's fucking pathetic. It's so obvious like "kittens will be cats, tadpoles will be frogs." We're not just taking over, we're here to make a difference. So remember, "youth is for revolution." Change doesn't need a future tense. The desire and the instigation for a better world is always now.

Hey Malaysia, did you hear about what happened to Mikhail? Sure. You have some standard report written up on him filed under the drawers. Someplace where you would never have to see them again and you can pretend this never happened.

My friend Mikhail lived all of his short life in Kota Kinabalu. He was rather popular, pretty much everyone knew him and adored him. He got into an accident a few years back and had a taigon implant in his leg. From what I am told, Mikh told the cops that he would need an operation sometime to replace the implant. This was when he was just put into lock up at the age of 20. 20. A juvenile still. He turned 21, his final birthday, in a cell.

Mikhail's legs were already giving him a lot of pain before he got sent into lock up for possession, where he stayed for a long time because his hearing kept getting postponed. He was waiting since April to know how long he would be in there for and when he passed away in February, he still didn't know. Your police wanted a RM20,000 bribe. The only people there looking out for him were gang members and we wonder why.

He was a skinny guy and lost more weight while in lock up. He must have looked pretty gaunt after all the torture you put him through. He was feeling ill for a while and only on Monday when he started puking did they finally take him to the Luyang Medical Center where he told them what was wrong but all they gave him was panadol. Mikhail then deteriorated as the metal in his leg turned to pus and he got septicemia - toxic poisoning resulting in his lungs collapsing. He was still handcuffed to the bed while he was in a coma. In the ICU, his eyes had already rolled to the back of his head. I'm not sure if anyone he knew was at his side when he passed away. You took him away from us all in his final year of life. He was only 21 when he died on the 7th of February. In a hospital, not being able to see the people he loved for nearly a year. He was very social, I can't imagine him having to be so lonely for so long. He died on a Thursday and who knows how long he had been sick for. He had to be near death before they gave him any sort of medical treatment but by then it was too late. Where was your judiciary system? What the hell were your stupid officers doing? Their ignorance and cynicism led to this fatal negligence and our hearts will be broken for ever. Trust me when I say that a lot of people will feel the loss of Mikhail in their lives.

Regardless of how accurate this is in its depiction, the bottom line is Mikhail's passing could have been prevented if he was given better medical attention sooner. He wasn't yet a prisoner, he was still a juvenile. Mikhail was a beautiful person. He was warm, generous, humble, had a big laugh and a big heart to match. He encouraged us all to achieve what we wanted in life. No exaggeration. He was really sweet and just about the funniest guy you would ever meet and you took him from all of us. All the people who love him have to look forward to every year for the rest of our lives without him, knowing he was abducted and abused by your 'highly-trained officers'. That's not even injustice. I can't believe you call yourself a Muslim country. Is this how you treat your children?

I hope his family finds peace.

For everyone who knew Mikhail or everyone who doesn't know him but feels touched by this story of blatant inhumanity, please blog about Mikhail's story and pass it on.

Mikhail Hyder
08.11.1986 - 07.02.2008

Loved and never forgotten.