5 posts tagged “sabah”

I apologise for my rant about teachers. It's prejudice and uncalled for for me to extend my trauma onto other people who have not shared the same experiences. Different people go through different things. But it's all out on the internet now. Even though I've deleted the post, I know that it will still be out there somewhere. Most bloggers and internet users don't realise the repercussions; that whatever you post on the internet becomes permanent, be it photos or blogs. With my grades, it was unfair but I got what I wanted. I'll be graduating in March. It's still a phenomenon to me as to why teachers dislike me so much. Mmphh... like geese. I've been attacked by birds four times this year; twice by magpies and another two times by geese and probably for the same reason that teachers want to attack me: I subconsciously get in their space without realising. Durrh.

Speaking of blog posts that never disappear, a couple of cousins haven't forgotten a post I made a few years ago on religion. I figured they're still mad at me. Mum says no one complains about me anymore because she jokes that I'm a "gone case" (thank god)... but for a gone case I sure get a lot of love. Heehee. I've been reading back to my old livejournal blog. Would it be narcissistic to compile a best of?

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Awkward spaces:

[18 Jul 2007|01:45am]

All of a sudden the ceiling just got a little too low. The sun continues to blaze my eyes even when the world's got me tucked away beyond its reach. It's like witnessing yourself being dead. Like chroming indifference, like the opposite of inhaling cigars, like holding a pulsating vein between your thumb and the wrong finger. It's called conscious insomnia, a symptom of the restless and rebellious. (It keeps my feet cold at night)

It's Sunday and I'm still working. I miss Sabah so much I find it so hard to function nowadays.
Grad's in February but maybe I'll squeeze in two weeks to go home before then.
Or jeopardise my sanity.

Mommy's babying me more nowadays because I act like I'm 45.
Dad sent me a text telling me to have fun.
I've gone out thrice to party since I got back to Brisbane.

I'm working really hard but I'm still fasting.
Food's one less distraction but today I'm especially weak.
I keep breaking fast at the wrong time and with alcohol and cigarettes to keep me numb.

Hard work's never been this hard before. ]=(

My short film 'The Reader', shot in New Jersey, is going to be screened at Annexe Theatre, Central Market, Kuala Lumpur this 27th of June:

The Reader

Four years of living abroad and soon I graduate. Soon I graduate and moving back to KK (even if temporarily) is all I can think about because I'm tired of not having a home. I love to travel but travelers have their homes and I'm borderline nomadic which is so not what I want to pursue. Of course, I'm grateful. A lot of people I know are griping about having not left their own countries, wanting to pursue something better and I keep telling people - the rest of the world isn't better. It's just the rest of the world. I've accumulated a lot of wisdom but never enough. The test of me surviving on home ground seems far more difficult. We're talking Kota Kinabalu here and I'm plagued by the fact that so many young people have to be torn between staying and pursuing better careers and lives elsewhere... like one day we grew up and realised Sabah wasn't good enough. Trust me to have a Peter Pan complex.

Maybe it's that we don't want it to ever turn into a metropolis so we don't stay to fix things. Even if we were the ones to build it to that we'd feel guilty but it's us or the politicians who do. People are so weak and silly sometimes. They don't realise that when there's nothing but raw, fertile soil, they can be the pioneers. As in, don't search for an industry, start one and you'll be legendary. Roger Wang's made a good start already. I just want to film us before we all lose our culture to the west, West Malaysia, Koreans, pilaks and Christians. Damn those missionaries are sprouting churches like mushrooms and I kid you not. I still attest to the emphasis of religion before education because how else are you going to comprehend religion? Tangent.

Okay, plans. Again with my big plans. Little girl, big plans. People say that they look at me and they see spark, talent, success. Nice to know but I get paranoid thinking that they're picturing me - red carpet, lots of moolah and doing a Michelle Yeoh. Hell no I'm selling my soul to fucking Spielberg. My definition of success is to capture our culture and people on film in order to remind us who we are. Culture is what counts, it is what makes us unique. It's what makes friends stronger, beer taste better, the days shine brighter and the coldest nights, warmer. Without it, we have no umbilical cord. And take it from someone who has somehow developed an American accent and can hardly speak Malay for shit. Adapting is surviving but preservation is fighting. It's paying your respects to what you love. And then people gripe about censorship... of course Malaysians are conservative when it comes to how we define ourselves, it's because they don't see enough variety, they don't see enough of what they do. We're living in the age of youtube and pirated editing software. We really don't have much excuse to fail. It's not a financially secure career but it's a worthy pursuit.

I watched Shawshank Redemption the other day. I could relate to Andy Dufresne, making do with unfortunate circumstances. My circumstances aren't terrible but I am at a disadvantage with what I want to do but I know I'll have the support of friends, family and people who love Sabah as much as I do. I'm trying to figure something out and last as long as I can and I'll tell you to mind tuttering at me. Pfft. I'm young. I might as well do something before my youthful optimism runs out. So long as some good comes out of my naivety, "youth is for revolution." Mine will not be wasted. What the hell do I know about what I'm up against but I'll find out and that's more than what most people have done so far.